It is Sunday evening, the bags are packed, and your child suddenly says, “I don’t want to go.”
For separated or divorced parents, few moments are more difficult. You may be worried about your child, frustrated with your co-parent, or unsure whether making them go is the right thing to do.
Before reacting, try to understand what is actually behind the resistance.
Start by Asking Why
“I don’t want to go” can mean many different things.
A younger child may simply be struggling with transitions. An older child may be upset about different rules between households. Your child might not want to leave friends, miss an activity, or spend another weekend away from their belongings.
Sometimes, however, resistance can point to a more serious concern.
Ask calm, open-ended questions such as:
- “What is making you not want to go?”
- “Is there something about being there that is bothering you?”
- “Did something happen that you want to tell me about?”
Try to listen without suggesting answers or criticizing the other parent.
Do Not Put Your Child in the Middle
It can be tempting to ask questions that confirm your own concerns about your ex. It can also be tempting to tell your child they do not have to go. Both can create problems. Children should not feel responsible for deciding which parent they spend time with, particularly when there is a custody or parenting order in place.
Avoid making comments like, “I wouldn’t want to go either,” or asking your child to deliver messages to the other parent.
Even when co-parenting is difficult, your child should not have to manage the conflict between you.
Look for Patterns
One difficult transition does not necessarily mean something is wrong. Pay attention to whether the resistance keeps happening and whether there are other changes in your child’s behavior.
Are they anxious before every exchange? Are they having trouble sleeping? Have their grades changed? Are they describing the same concern repeatedly? Keeping a factual record of what you observe can be helpful. Write down dates, what your child said in their own words, and any significant behavior changes without adding assumptions about what they mean.
Talk to the Other Parent When Appropriate
If the issue appears manageable and there are no immediate safety concerns, communication may help. Perhaps your child is struggling with a bedtime routine, missing a particular activity, or feeling uncomfortable because they do not have enough belongings at the other house.
A relatively small adjustment may make transitions easier. Keep the conversation focused on the child rather than turning it into a larger argument about the relationship.
Take Safety Concerns Seriously
There is an important difference between a child saying, “I don’t want to go because I’m missing my friend’s birthday,” and describing something that raises concerns about abuse, neglect, violence, substance use, or another potential danger. If your child tells you something concerning, listen carefully and avoid repeatedly questioning them yourself.
If you believe your child may be in immediate danger, seek appropriate emergency assistance. You should also speak with a family law attorney promptly about your options and obligations.
Do Not Ignore an Existing Parenting Order
Parents generally should not simply disregard a custody or parenting order because a child says they do not want to visit the other parent. Exactly how these situations are handled depends on the circumstances, the child’s age, the terms of the existing order, and the law where you live.
If resistance is becoming frequent or you believe the current arrangement is no longer appropriate, speak with a family law attorney before making significant changes on your own.
Your child’s feelings matter. The goal is to understand what those feelings are telling you while keeping them out of the conflict and making thoughtful decisions about what happens next.
